10 Places to Hide Your Fleshlight from Your Partner

(Or Your Mother. Or the Minister)

So, you have a Fleshlight and you’ve discovered it’s the most fun you can have without beer being involved. But now, someone is coming over to your house – a girlfriend, a boyfriend, your mother (or God help us, your mother-in-law), the minister, your boss, your six-year-old niece, the head of the PTA – you get the idea. Your dandy toy needs to be tucked away in a really safe hiding place. But you know Murphy’s Law—if there’s the possibility of an embarrassing moment involving you and your Fleshlight, it will happen. So you need a really, really safe hiding place. Here are ten pretty-much foolproof places to hide your Fleshlight:

  1. Inside that shoebox full of “Magic: The Gathering” cards you collected in junior high. As an extra precaution, tape the box shut and label it “Magic: The Gathering Collectors’ Cards.” First, it will help you remember where you put your Fleshlight, and second, unless somebody’s looking for something to sell on eBay, you’re home free.
  2. Duct-tape it under your bed – unless you have a frisky dog or your mother is coming over to turn mattresses.
  3. Hide it in your linen closet, if you have one – under the electric blanket in hot weather or under a pile of beach towels in cold weather.
  4. Put it inside that Trivial Pursuit game that no one’s played in a decade.
  5. Stick it in your gym bag. Be sure to leave one or two suitably “ripe” items to discourage anyone from digging.
  6. Tuck it inside one of your work boots, especially if you’ve got big feet.
  7. Wrap it in foil, label it “beef tongue,” and stick it in the freezer. Note: This is not a good idea if your girlfriend (or mother) is a gourmet cook.
  8. Tape it behind the toilet tank, a la Michael Corleone in The Godfather. Again, not a good idea if you mom is a cleaning demon.
  9. Hide it in a box in your best buddy’s garage. Let’s face it; he probably owes you for something.
  10. Go all pirate – put it in a coffee can, dig a hole under a tree, and bury it. Just be sure to draw a map with X marking the spot.And…
  11. Don’t hide it. You have the right to your private pleasure, and it’s time your mother learned you’re not a little boy any more. Don’t stick your Fleshlight on the dinner table at Thanksgiving (unless you really want to start an interesting conversation), but if you want to keep it handy in your bedside drawer, do so. Claim your power.